To have a baby or not to have a baby...that is the question...

Ok Ok. I know I have just freaked some of you (mainly my loving husband) out with just the title of this blog, ok probably most of you, but I just wanted to talk this out with friends and weigh my options ;).  

Having another baby has always been in the back of my mind.  For those of you who don't know me, I have two beautiful, healthy, drive you crazy girls that I wouldn't trade for the world.  And I am content with where my little family is at this time in our lives.  But is this it?  

I joke about this matter all the time with my husband. Wouldn't it be nice to have another baby?  Don't you want to just try one more time for a boy.  To which Robert replies, "nope, I'm good."  A man of many words, I know :). And at times I agree. My girls are a handful, as all children are!  But they are also the joy of my life (and you can never have too much joy right)!

Tonight it hit me hard though.  Robert and I were throwing ideas around about how we could save a little money, as I'm sure everyone does.  Anyway, he suggested that we drop maternity from our insurance as that would save us a good chunk of change a month.  Yea it would. But in my mind all I heard was, "That's it. Your finished. No more babies". 

I know, I'm young and there is plenty of time to have another baby, but do I want my kids that far apart?  Brianna and Sadie Kate are 4 1/2 years apart and that's a lot to me.  So I guess this digs at a deeper question. Do I want another baby. Can I do it. The sleepless nights. The constant crying. The cooing. The babbling. The bonding. Am I finished? Whoa. Getting too deep now. 

Just some food for thought.

Oh and did I mention Sadie Kate is going to celebrate her 3rd birthday on the 20th and Brianna will be 8 this year.  Yea maybe that's why this is all coming to a head :). My babies are not babies anymore

Am I crazy?!?

People Pleaser

Soooo I know I haven't posted in a while.  Sorry, I really am not good at this whole blogging and writing thing.  Every time I think, "Oooh, I got something I can blog about," I either say I will do it later because I am tired or have something else that needs to be done OR mainly I talk myself out of it because I feel it probably won't mean anything to anyone but me and people will think I am stupid.  People pleaser.  That's me. 

Not sure if this is a blessing or a curse.  Maybe a little of  both.  I strive to do everything I think people expect from me.  Be everything they want me to be.  I wanna be that person that no one has anything bad to say about.  The person whose character is never judged.  I wanna be the person that people look at and say, "Yea, I've heard about her.  She's got a good heart, such a sweet girl".

How selfish of me.

How foolish of me.

How ignorant of me.

I am human.  I mess up.  Over.  And over.  And over.  And over again.  I say things I shouldn't.  I do things I shouldn't.  And then I beat myself up about what I have done or said.  Ever been there?  It's a vicious cycle.  And I think, "Jesus would've never done that, or said that, or thought that."  Jesus would please everyone.  But He didn't.  And we shouldn't.  It's not about pleasing others.  It's about pleasing God.

Now this doesn't mean that we forget about others.  But I think through pleasing Him, you can't help but care and love for others.  But this doesn't necessarily mean you will please them.  Some people you just can't please no matter what.  Sometimes these people may not need to be in your life for a season or longer.  It's OK to not be liked by everyone.  Repeat that (mainly me), "It's OK to not be liked by everyone."

Our purpose is not to be here on earth to please others.  Our purpose is to glorify God and spread His message through all that we do.  And that's what I'm working toward.  I'm trying so hard to be a woman after God's own heart.  And when I mess up, and I'm going to mess up, I will remember this quote by John Newton...

       I am not what I ought to be, I am not what I want to be, I am not what I hope to be in another
       world; but still I am not what I once used to be, and by the grace of God I am what I am."

Thank you God for continuously working in my life

  

Saying Goodbye...

Goodbyes come in many forms.  Some are temporary.  Some are permanent.  Some are a good things. Some rip your heart out...

Today I said goodbye to my best friend of 14 years.  We've been through a lot together.  He was there for me when my parents got divorced, then when I met Robert.  Throughout high school and in college. When I lived by myself and was scared to death he was there to protect me.  He came with me when I got married and moved  to Vicksburg.  He has protected both my girls as they have grown up over the last seven years. He allowed them to ride on his back, dress him in tutus and boas, and lay on him when they were sick.  He had nothing but unconditional love for me and those closest to me and never asked anything in return.

Over the last week he has been unable to stand and walk.  His back legs gave out after 14 years.  The vet gave him a shot and medication but said that his quality of life was not good.  He stopped eating and drinking and starting using the restroom on himself.  Through all that, he always gave me those same loving eyes.  I knew it was time but I couldn't make that decision. I felt I was killing him. He had no voice to say how much pain he was in but he also had no voice to say how much he wanted to live.

I know this was the right decision but it hurts so much. It seems everywhere I turn around I see him.  In Brianna's room at the foot of her bed protecting her, in the living room watching over the girls as they play, in the kitchen trying to get a little taste of what is for dinner.

I know I am rambling and to some of y'all he is just a dog. But to me and my family he was so much more. He was my protector, my confidant, my best friend.  So today I say goodbye Dubya...I miss you and will love you forever

Um Hi

Soooo...I do not write, nor do I consider myself a writer.  Buuut Melissa Rouse suggested I create a blog and start writing.  So here goes...

Welcome to my crazy life.  Where our own kind of crazy is the norm.  My name is Amanda and I am a full time mom, a full-time Speech-Language Pathologist, a full-time pastor's wife, a full-time bass player :), and I am trying to start up a special needs ministry in our church plant.  Sometimes it can be really hard to juggle all these things and I get really overwhelmed at times.  I feel inadequate.  Like I do many things good but I don't do anything great.  I am working on that.  I am learning to let go and not be so hard on myself.  God knows my heart and knows I'm trying my best.  If it weren't for my family and my awesome friends I would never make it.  But I wouldn't have it any other way! 

I know that I am not the only one struggling with these feelings and I hope through this blog I, no we, can work through them and continue on this crazy ride we call life.